When bravery falters

Seize the moment, my conscience told me. Stop the bullshit and get down to business. So, I did. I did not expect anything, I told myself that. I told the woman what I wanted to tell her and I got my response. Emotions came streaming by like it was nothing. But I have to admit, it had to be something. I admired her so much. I wanted to know more. I wanted to feel. But it had to end. And it did. The resolution, turned out to be an ultimatum. Deprivation of communication (yes, it sounds like an indie rock album). So I'm left with this resolve and I have to accept it. So that's what I'm doing right now. The task involved is proving to myself that I have to keep it sincere. My every thought is concentrated by finding a way to keep it real. Encouraged By this newfound glory. And as I write this entry, having recourse to writing which is blatantly obvious, My feelings towards the lady is justified. By documenting what has transpired, It will be imprinted in my mind that I should hold dear to my promise. To keep it near here (points to brain) and here (points to heart).

Summary:

Told girl what I feel.
Girl told me she would ignore me starting that day.
Told girl I don't care, I just wanted to say what I feel.
Promised her that It would stay the same no matter what.
Promised to self to hold that feeling regardless of the impression the lady gave.

Troublesome

July 28,2006, 12:35 A.M.

Siemens Office, Libis QC

I was trying to channel an idea in my head and tried to catch it with my hands as I type. 24 mins 'till I start working. I have no sleep yesterday, well, I have no sleep today. It's really troublesome to have me work in this condition, but I have no choice but to do so. I remembered, I have plans for tommorow, or was it today, I lost grasp of time. I have to inform my superior that I am unable to work today for reasons I have written earlier. 10 mins before my time comes in, I have to do something. How could I deprive myself of sleep, I lack the power to move, to think, to work. I got up and talked to Shift Supervisor Arvie, he worked something out for me. I guess I'll work half this day. Crazy suicidal request for someone on the brink of getting fired. But we have to stand up for what we think is right, right?

A constant reminder for the idle and useless.
Remember that people expect you to do something worthwhile.
I never did in my 24 years and I will try and muster enough strength to do so.
I'll post a better, more complete version of this post, but not right now, I have to sleep.

Hardcore Gaming

It has taken most of my time now, and I'm pretty sure it wil take most of my time in the future. I just can't help it, I need to do this. It feels almost like I'm "born" to do it. I can imagine having kids and still playing video games. Unless you're a hardcore gamer, you will never understand. It takes dedication, skill, insight and common drive to actually be one. If you can open your mind and think, even for a brief time, to respect what I'm doing now, then you will understand why I have to do it. Some people thrive on certain things, certain careers, certain aspects of living. I, on the other hand live for this, this is me.

The Girl

Turn back your head, you’ve heard the story
There’s no use trying to feel real sorry
We all weren't there to stop the wrong
I've heard it so I'll sing my song

And she was 12, the peak of innocence
A sign of grace, chaste from influence
And her beauty came out in youthful glow
Her body swayed with childlike flow

She looked mature for her age
And spoke with confidence and grown up rage
Wore tight clothes, short top, short skirt
The boys thought she just liked to flirt

Her unwariness caused the ruined impression
Thoughts came towards the wrong direction
Humans, as I thought, were an admirable being
Terrible designs came forth from seeing

Boys of the same age took advantage of her
I will not go in details what she openly offer
They deceived her to doing this performance
In exchange for cash, things, and acceptance

Now, I wonder, who is to blame?
Incidents like this, I set aside in shame
What is this world coming to?
The girl, the boys, who? Tell me! Who?


This is a based on a story a friend told me, the 12 year old girl exchanged sexual intercourse for stupid stuff like concert tickets and money with boys the same age or older. The girls’ family background supported the credibility of the story. I have seen this girl a couple of times and it pains me that she had to experience that.

Dynamic Human Spirit

This is my badly edited artsy photoshop picture..

Words from Prof. Louis Mackey from the movie "Waking Life" :

There are two kinds of sufferers in this world: those who suffer from a lack of life, and those who suffer from an over-abundance of life. I have always found myself in the second category. When you come to think of it, almost all human behavior and activity is not, essentially, any different from animal behavior. The most advanced technologies and craftsmanship bring us, at best, up to the super-chimpanzee level. Actually, the gap between, say, Plato or Nietzsche, and the average human is greater than the gap between that chimpanzee and the average human. The realm of the real spirit, the true artist, the saint, the philosopher, is rarely achieved. Why so few? Why is world history and evolution not stories of progress, rather this endless and futile addition of zeros? No greater values have developed. Hell, the Greeks 3,000 years ago were just as advanced as we are. So what are these barriers that keep people from reaching anywhere near their real potential. The answer to that can be found in another question, and that's this: which is the most universal human characteristic: fear or laziness?

MY COMMENT:

I can answer the question with complete confidence that it can very well be both fear and laziness and lack of knowledge, Knowledge on things that matter, things that separate us from the other animals. We, as humans can distinguish the natural fact that we are far more different and beyond capable of creating things and thinking things that can kick this world up a notch and make it a better planet to live in. But, being the big human irony that we are, the only life form that's stopping this progress is us humans. Technology, yes it’s nice to speed things up and ease everyday living, but that’s a very shallow road to thread to make the human life better than it was a million years ago. Whatever happened to things like creativity, truth, respect and hundreds of human traits that were subject to de-emphasis and de-evolution. It looks as if it was shrouded by things that don’t matter like power, money and reputation among many others. What ever happened to the dynamic human spirit? We will always be victims of this sad reality and I can’t stop thinking about the future. The vicious cycle will always go on.

Know this

Sometimes the truth stares you right in the face and you still deny it exists. We dwell so much on our monotonous life that we forget that there is something MORE that we can do. That we can control it somehow. We just have to learn how to and what to do. I can say the same thing for opportunity. I believe the greater being throws us tons of it, but sadly, we fail to recognize its existence, then we miss it. We live our lives with hundreds of regrets and failures.

Some people think they know everything. Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do. So please, think before you open your mouth. My father always tells me think 10 times before actually doing something. I can be very spontaneous and irrational sometimes, but I do think 10 times before I act. It may look random, but I do analyze things. But on some rare occurence I came across 2 evils, and I have to chose from one of them,I always like to try the one I've never tried before. So that's that...

Answer to your question...

Its you

MAD CASH

Word of advice for "aspiring" employees...

I have been an employee for some time. My exact salary NET is 13K per month. I was promised otherwise, 17k to be precise. I bought a motorcycle for 53K, you can make a rough estimate on how long i've been doing the work. And yes it was a callcenter. Before, I was experiencing what I call "survival salary". Working your ass off to produce money to even work harder. I'm not going to tackle all the details, It is hard to digest for some. Work hard, and keep doing it to survive, It wasn't worth it. The time I spent, time I wasted, time that I own, I deserve, was gone. No amount of money can ever replace the time.

I've been nagging people how it works. You graduate from college only to realize that you'll end up in a job, at best, with a 20K below salary. And thats entry level. Working like a slave to climb the corporate ladder to candy coat your measly salary up to 40k per month. By that time I'm spending more time trying to figure out how NOT to lose hair, I'll be as old as my salary, 40 and old. The reality doesn't stop there. Promotion is relative. And I'm sure people don't get promoted that easily. It's either you have "MAD SKILLZ" or an outstanding background on the job, let's get real, the majority veers on mediocrity. Mad skills are god given, not acquired. Yes, I hate employment, if employment benifits all and is the most lucrative way to EARN cash, then try and name just one person you know that made MAD CASH by being an employee. And you know what I mean by "MAD CASH". The type of cash that makes other people lose their minds. But still you are not THE BOSS. If you're earning MAD CASH, guess who's earning even MADDER CASH.

I rest my case, some people will still be too dumb to realize, or playing dumb. Either way, they're not getting any younger. By the time they reach the corporate high levels, they'll be TOO OLD to do anything but play golf and do DAD Stuff. So sad.

Eggs

I've been a victim of false realizations and fabricated generalizations that lead to nothing but a bararge of disappointments and heartaches. "You count your eggs... too soon... don't count your eggs...", that's what my inner self constantly whispers to my ear. Fuck yeah I count my eggs, its better than being numb and clueless, at least I think it's better. No offense to all egg lovers. So from now on, no egg counting. Hehe

n00b

Cars and jeeps fleet by as I walk through the road to katipunan. The place was almost alien to me. That flyover and that LRT station, two massive concrete blocks that lead people to that 3rd world type light rail. Don't expect the best in this country. I started mumbling incoherent words to myself, just my way to pass time while walking. Sometimes, people do catch me talking to myself and violently stare at me like I was crazy. Maybe I was, maybe I am.

I have reached rock bottom that day. I had enough money for jeep and tricycle fares. Lunch was not an option. I found 10 pesos in coins hidden in one of my bag pockets. I pulled in a long breath and bought a bag of nagaraya nuts. The school fountain provided refreshment from the sodium laced meal. At least I would last up to 4pm. I scored a cigarette stick from some guy I sit beside in class. He pulled a pack after the class and asked me if I wanted one. I almost grabbed the stick, but I held my posture and said thanks. I still don't know his name. While lighting the cig outside, my hands was shaking unusually, maybe from the lack of food, or from the deep sadness I was feeling that day. I wanted to pass out on the cement road. I had to drag myself to ride a jeep. A group of fat ladies started complaining about the Jeep fare. I wasn't sure my conscience would allow me to tell the ladies to shut up. I'm almost a hundred percent sure my day was worse than theirs. I wasn't complaining. And I'm sure a fat lady wouldn't consider a bag of nuts as a gourmet lunch. So faking sleep resolved my problem. The jeep was playing a bad pinoy metal band song. The singer went "WUPAW!" like 500 thousand times, it was stupid, never amused me. The Jeep raced passed vehicles at top speed, swaying violently side ti side while making turns. I noticed a lady closing her eyes and laughing. I had to pull the "stop rope" about 15 meters before my stop to make sure they stop exactly where I want them to.

I got off and went home. Trying to absorb the day as it was slowly ending. I went to bed, Equipped with a newfound respect for money and unconditional love for nagaraya nuts.

Dirt on PC

2 weeks ago, my PC died down on me. So for 2 weeks no PC. Then I fixed it, turns out it was shitloads of dirt in the processor heat sink and a bad power supply. So i'm back, I don't think people care though hehe. My thoughts next post.

Everything's Hillarious

There's too many dumb things happening around that I crack myself up everyday. I saw a paint written message near the katipunan LRT station, "OUST GLORIA! - Gabriela" , yes, big leap for women rights advocates. Suddenly they forgot what theyre fighting for.

My socsci teacher keep purging this chick for wearing "inaapropriate attire" in school. That poor girl, she was quite hot too.

The best laugh I had this week was while playing DOTA, I love beating people all over the world on a game. I'm a gamer, bottom line, I was born to play games.

Movie Plot

Heres a movie plot I wrote way back... I got tired of writing beyond this, someone tell me if I should go back at it...

"The plot would be set way back in the late 80’s, here in the Philippines, on a normal city setting. The protagonist would be an unlikely one. He would not be part of the story, but rather, a watcher, a narrator if you will. The narrator would be named 25, just 25. He would have complete access to what is happening to the story but he would have no power or control over the natural flow of the characters, he would just watch, both significant and void at the same time.

25 would just exist within a certain point in the story, acting both as proof and a navigational tool to the correct course of the tale. 25 would be male in gender, possibly to point out that 25 would exist as the author’s bias and ideas. 25 would not be seen or be heard by the characters, he is a sentient being but can also be “felt” depending on the characters psychic strength. Given these conditions, 25 would be the weakest and strongest character throughout the course of the story, Weak because he is invalid, Strong because he is omnipresent, omniscient and uncontested."

Totally Impatient

I posted a rant about sending a girl a message and not getting a reply back, well I take the rant back, she did reply, Friendster™ system was fu*cked up and I just got the message she sent.

It reminds me how technology compromised my relationship with friends, like sending someone a message using SMS, it seems impersonal and most of the time you send out a message that's solely dependent to the readers capacity to interpret something that you sent. You cannot put hand gestures or body motions or facial expressions over the information superhighway. We are only limited to a sad and happy face. And we all know there's probably a thousand human expressions and gestures, not to mention the combinations and current social update of expressions, it's crazy.

So again, I take back what I said about her not writing back, she did, and it's the first time she opened up to me like that, and that really made my day. I guess I have a lot to thank technology.

Totally misunderstood

Something I sent someone in friendster™

"For some reason, you cancelled being friends with me here in friendster. And for the record, that made me really sad. Unfortunately for me, somewhere between chance and acceptance, I was deprived enormously with both, by you, of course. I did say I liked you, not in your face, but I did try, again I was silenced by rejection. I wanted to be just your friend, not some guy you know from school. I wasn't the BS person you thought I am. The jerk that spits out crap from here and there. And I have to admit, I felt, that was who you thought I am. I am someone deeper that what you think I was. Just wanted you to know what I feel, and hoping that you would give me a chance to let you know the real me..."

She just added me to her friends list and didn't bother to reply.
At first my face lighted up, then I realized she just did what SHE thought I wanted. Then I took back my smile.
First time I was happy for only 2 seconds in my whole life.
---
The story would be longer, but I don't feel like sharing the whole thing, just figure it out, it's all in the letter.

Welcome Understanding

Hello understanding, it’s me again, where have you been?
I had a short conversation over the phone with a good friend and muse, Kim. While chewing the fat for a while we came across a very familiar topic, it’s all about relationships.

That made me think about the time I wasted going into meaningless, physically shallow relationships that ended up being, well, crap. Story of my life, I am still a victim of society. I always turn my head when I see a really hot girl pass by, that’s natural, I’m a caveman.
I admit, I like beauty, but I value brains and wit better.
Being good looking is a bonus.

And those of you who are really good looking and I’m pretty sure you know it, don’t take advantage, that’s worse than cheating. Do not use your gift as leverage, it also fades.

As for love, I did meet love sometime in my 22 years, I could not understand it. I only knew it was there, it was pure and devious. It took out the best and worst of me at the same time. I was a student of love, and I learned the hard way, the hard life altering way. But it sure drew me closer to understanding, so it was partly, worth it.

My endless dilemma, the one I like, likes someone.
This happens to me all the time, all the time, all the time.

And it sure pisses me off, and its unfair, bad form.
But it has reasons, things you cannot change or control, we do not have to power to make decisions for someone else, we are not the law.
Circumstance is the enemy.

I’m an honest person, but I’m not tactless, so I’m a big irony. I’m also quite adept in keeping my true feelings, about someone I really like, so I’m a coward, a big massive coward. Although I try and wear a mask completely the opposite, but we all wear masks, we all do.

I understand now that what I try to be is not who I am, who I want to be known. My quest now is to figure out and understand life, the one that I am living. A life understood, is a life lived.

On Names...

I'm not really good at names. Sometimes, I spend an hour talking to a person and I keep forgetting the name of the person I'm talking to. I know it's kind of rude and idiotic to forget a name. But I'm pretty sure most of the time they're the same to me.

On Education...

I wish schooling was a pill taken everyday, It wouldv'e saved me a lot of time aqcuring it, and more time burning it...you know, with beer and whatnot...

On men and peeing...

I can say right now, and I know this is true, All the men in the world don't wash their hands after taking a pee. At least I know I don't, it's not a requirement, and I think it's out of plain stupidity to pee at yourself. I don't touch it, it's clean, trust me.

On sense of smell...

I don't want to lose my sense of smell. It would really bother me when I take a deep breath inside an elevator and not realize someone let out a nice, thick, pre-meditated, ninja fart.

On scalpers...

I think the reason they call scalpers "scalpers" is that when we realize the grand amount of cash we spent on the tickets they sell, we pull the hair on our scalp.

Working Haze

I was at work today, the usual 5am-2pm schedule. I work as tech support by the way, for an outsourcer of DELL. So I troubleshoot DELL computers over the phone. Taking in irate calls and what not was the dream job for me. You listen to people belt out their worst at you and run out of breath at the very last second and realizing its NOT YOUR FAULT, I get a kick out of that. But some customers really shout and go ballistic at you, now that was precious, I've had calls where some people would just scream at you and hang up. Like this one call I had, this guy was just chanting, "Dell sucks, Dell sucks , Dell sucks...". It took him 5 minutes to eventually realize the dumb nature of his call and he lightly put down his phone. I crack at those calls, sometimes too hard that my colleagues think I'm having a better conversation with a better customer, and sometimes they do get jealous.

But sometimes I get really cool calls from mexican people (because of their last name and wicked accent) "Sumtheeng WroOownG WeeTH My MawwNitur". I got a call from a chinese dude a week ago, I was asking him his Express Service Code (thats how you check if they own the system), and the dude was like, "Yeh, EckspRes SerRviZ CohoDe Eez, Wan Fo Nay...Jeh RoW". And I was stumped, I asked him back what was the last one, because it sounded more like Jay Roll or Day Bowl, he turned irate chinese dude on me and stressed out in complete chinese accent, JeH RoW, WAN, ToO, THRI, FOW, JeH RoW. AND BAM IT HIT ME...IT WAS ZERO.

I really love my work, I get to meet 10-17 people a day and I get to talk to them about life and what's it worth. Sometimes when I do resolve a problem, I get a thank you like, "Aris, you're ok!" or "You're my hero peaches, I can't thank you enough!". And to tell you frankly, Just to hear you laugh or smile on the phone (because you can tell when someone is smiling over the phone) and is always willing to cooperate with the trouble shooting, that is more than a thank you for me.

Out

In the middle of things

Created blog site, thing, whatever today. Seems like a good place to release frustrations from work and bright new ideas picked up from everyday life...